Last week, I welcomed my stepdaughter Frances back to my arms as she came from a two week vacay in Cebu. It was her was first vacation trip alone with a friend. Her Dad had allowed her because she was invited by one of our very good family friends. She’s friends with their daughter too so it was easy to decide. I thought that it was a good time for her to go because she can practice traveling on her own. I can see her being a globe trotter someday!
When I saw her emerge from the airport exit with her trolley at hand, my heart had a big smile. What a wonderful homecoming until she asked me,”Mom, is it okay if Tita Glenda (our friend) asked me about Mommy (her biological mom)?” I took a pause. “What did she ask?,” I said. She hesitated but said, “She asked where mommy was, how many siblings do I have and who does mommy live with now.” I felt my shoulders slump, “…and what did you say?” Apparently, she told our friend her whole story, even if only knew bits and pieces of the story. I could tell she was bothered.
In my mind. I went, Why did you have to ask Frances those questions!??! If you were interested, you should have asked me! Or her dad! Why are you interested? Out of curiosity? I’m unsure if it’s not out of concern. You’re a mom too. You were supposed to know better that to ask those delicate questions to a 12-year old adolescent who is trying her best to believe that things are really normal with the family she is growing up with! I didn’t expect this from you!
But instead, I told Frances, “It was not right for Tita Glenda to ask you those questions. Next time, if you feel that you’re not comfortable answering questions like that, tell them I’m sorry but I don’t think I can answer your questions now. You are not obliged to explain yourself to anybody, Frances.You only share parts of yourself when you feel you really want to.” And then I saw her cry a little.
That broke my heart and my mind again went How could you ask her? In front of your daughter even? That’s so irresponsible and insensitive of you, Glenda!I didn’t expect this. I could imagine when she asked Frances, “How many siblings do you have?” There might have been a tug of war in my daughter’s head, counting one by one her siblings with her mom and with her dad. Then again, maybe it’s just me.
True, I really did not anticipate this. I entrusted my daughter to her. And she asked those kind of questions suddenly? A part of me can’t help but think it’s all for the juicy-ness of it. When I allowed Frances to be with them for a few weeks, I didn’t think there’d be any of this. Before she left, I gave her reminders about her laundry, her money, her eating habits, her share of household chores. Never did this possibility cross my mind. I used to be careful about this but things are getting sort of ‘normal’ for my blended family that I forgot. Then, I realize that Frances and the other children will have more of this as they grow. I don’t know yet how to deal with it but I’ll be finding ways on how to help in making things easier for them, for sure.
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