Photo via http://www.openbooktoronto.com
I have an open relationship with my stepdaughter Frances. I kinda think it’s healthy. One time I told her, “Tandaan mo…pag laki ninyo, lahat ng makikita na tama sa inyo, they will attribute it to your mom or your dad or anyone else. Kapag may mali kayoing ginawa, sa kin isisisi un.” It’s a rough statement but it’s the thinking norm of traditional culture. I can almost hear someone say, “Hindi kasi lumaki sa tunay na ina kungdi sa madrasta kaya nagkaganyan ang batang ‘yan.” I wish I could be more positive about this, take the high road and believe that I’ll never hear this from anyone but hey, this stepmom has to be prepared to be a better stepmom.
Well, the wait is over. I heard that statement last weekend. Sort of.
Our eldest son Carlo, lives with his grandparents for now. He is one of the elder ‘apo,’ which makes him one lola’s favorites thus when she requested that Carlo studies his high school with them, I was not surprised. Every weekend, we visit Carlo or vice versa. The previous years, Dave is mostly away because of his work. Recently, it’s only me and the kids who visit Carlo. You know how teenagers are. Carlo is in a stage where he reasons out, he is quite distracted from schoolwork, he dresses the way he wants, he tries to make his own choices. He is a typical teenager. Pero alam ko na kapag kasama mo na sa bahay ang isang teenager at araw araw mong sinasabihan sa mga bagay bagay, talaga namang nakakapagod. Marami kang masasabi bilang tagapag-alaga. Tuwing dadalaw ako kay Carlo, nasanay na ako sa mga litanya ng mga nakakatanda tungkol sa katigasan ng ulo ni Carlo. Tama lang naman na malaman talaga namin para alam din namin kung paano magiging partner ng mga lolo’t lola sa pagpapalaki sa mga bata. Nauunawaan ko ‘un.
Kaya lang minsan, I was taken aback when one of the elders said, “Hindi naman kita masisisi pero sana nabigyan mo ng konting pagmamahal yang si Carlo noong siya ay mas bata pa.”
Oops. Ouch. I didn’t know how to react. Hindi ata ako kumibo ng mga 30 seconds then nag-isip ng ibang maiiintroduce na topic. Nag-isip ako. Totoo ba yun? Maaring totoo yun. I could have given more. Or maybe I gave enough but for stepmothers, what defines “enough?”
Pero I realized that even sa mga tunay nating anak, habang lumalaki sila at may mga pangyayaring hindi natin kontrolado, tatanungin natin, “Nagkulang ba ako?” or sobra sobra kasi sa pagmamahal kaya hindi natuto. So, I chose to brush aside that statement and focus on being a better mother figure to them in little ways that I know, just like any mother would.
The Madrasta Blog 