Hearing My First “It’s Your Fault” as a Stepmom

Photo via http://www.openbooktoronto.com

I have an open relationship with my stepdaughter Frances. I kinda think it’s healthy. One time I told her, “Tandaan mo…pag laki ninyo, lahat ng makikita na tama sa inyo, they will attribute it to your mom or your dad or anyone else. Kapag may mali kayoing ginawa, sa kin isisisi un.” It’s a rough statement but it’s the thinking norm of traditional culture. I can almost hear someone say, “Hindi kasi lumaki sa tunay na ina kungdi sa madrasta kaya nagkaganyan ang batang ‘yan.” I wish I could be more positive about this, take the high road and believe that I’ll never hear this from anyone but hey, this stepmom has to be prepared to be a better stepmom.

Well, the wait is over. I heard that statement last weekend. Sort of.

Our eldest son Carlo, lives with his grandparents for now. He is one of the elder ‘apo,’ which makes him one lola’s favorites thus when she requested that Carlo studies his high school with them, I was not surprised. Every weekend, we visit Carlo or vice versa. The previous years, Dave is mostly away because of his work. Recently, it’s only me and the kids who visit Carlo. You know how teenagers are. Carlo is in a stage where he reasons out, he is quite distracted from schoolwork, he dresses the way he wants, he tries to make his own choices. He is a typical teenager. Pero alam ko na kapag kasama mo na sa bahay ang isang teenager at araw araw mong sinasabihan sa mga bagay bagay, talaga namang nakakapagod. Marami kang masasabi bilang tagapag-alaga. Tuwing dadalaw ako kay Carlo, nasanay na ako sa mga litanya ng mga nakakatanda tungkol sa katigasan ng ulo ni Carlo. Tama lang naman na malaman talaga namin para alam din namin kung paano magiging partner ng mga lolo’t lola sa pagpapalaki sa mga bata. Nauunawaan ko ‘un.

Kaya lang minsan, I was taken aback when one of the elders said, “Hindi naman kita masisisi pero sana nabigyan mo ng konting pagmamahal yang si Carlo noong siya ay mas bata pa.”

Oops. Ouch. I didn’t know how to react. Hindi ata ako kumibo ng mga 30 seconds then nag-isip ng ibang maiiintroduce na topic. Nag-isip ako. Totoo ba yun? Maaring totoo yun. I could have given more. Or maybe I gave enough but for stepmothers, what defines “enough?”

Pero I realized that even sa mga tunay nating anak, habang lumalaki sila at may mga pangyayaring hindi natin kontrolado, tatanungin natin, “Nagkulang ba ako?” or sobra sobra kasi sa pagmamahal kaya hindi natuto. So, I chose to brush aside that statement and focus on being a better mother figure to them in little ways that I know, just like any mother would.

My Little Class President

Photo via http://www.sodahead.com

It’s June. And I am back in the groove for school.

Yesterday, Thirdy came home with news. He was elected class president. To him, it was no big deal. He actually said, “I’m naiinis nga. I don’t want to be the class president.” At first, hindi ko din pinansin ang news. After a while, I thought, “When I was in Grade One, I lost to being a class secretary. Hindi ko naman ininda un pero nag – isip ako, bakit ba tatlo lang ang bumoto sa akin non? Kasama na ako dun ha.  Ayaw sa akin ng classmates ko?” So I knew that my little son, who is in 4th grade being chosen as a class leader means something.

So while driving home, I asked him, “Did you vote for yourself?”

Thirdy: “No, I don’t want to be class president nga eh.”

Me: “But someone nominated you?”

Thirdy: “Yes, it was Rafa.”

Me: “Ok. How many voted for you?”

Thirdy: “Eight.”

Me: “Eight? How did you win with 8 votes?”

Thirdy: “Kasi we were around 8 nominated candidates, I got the highest vote.”

Me: “Aha! If you voted for yourself, that would have been 9. And why don’t you want to be president?”

Thirdy: “Eh I will just shout and shout in the classroom for them to keep quiet.”

Me: “Ayaw mo ‘yun? Just like your dad!!” (Dave is a military man so the little one sees his dad giving orders to his men.)

Thirdy: Oo nga no!

And then I launched into a sermon of explaining to him that it’s a good sign that someone nominated him, that 8 people believed in him,  that he is capable of leading the class, that from now on, he should be extra conscious of setting a good example.

I elaborated, “That means you can’t wear any faddish hairstyle to school.”

He said, “Oh no. I told you I don’t want to be class president eh.”

 

 

The Son Now Makes His Move to See His Mom

Photo Source : SPS Team a2ztutz.blogpsot.com

For the kids to see their biological mom Linda, it has always been Dave my husband who initiates the move. He reasons that no matter what, it would be good for the children to see their mother. I totally agree. It has been two years though that the kids did not see Linda. Phone calls were also scarce. I always wondered why but I never asked loudly. Dave and I also knew that one day, the kids will grow up and make ways to see their mom on their own.

Eto na yun.

Dati, noong ako ay wala pang asawa, lagi kong naririnig kapag may isang parent na wala sa piling niya ang anak, may isang adult na magsasabi, “Huwag kang mag-alala, pag laki ng mga anak mo, kusa ka ding hahanapin ng mga un.” Naniniwala ako dun. Carlo, our eldest is in touch with Linda, his mom via Facebook. I know this because sometimes, he would ask me in passing on things about his mom.

Last weekend, Dave informed me that Carlo asked him permission to see his mom. Of course, he obliged and made the necessary arrangements. Carlo and Linda are going away for the weekend to hit the beach and watch a basketball game. When I saw Carlo, he excitedly told me about it. With all the courage I could muster, I replied, “Talaga? Masaya ‘yan! That’s good!” I meant that naman but there’s also a part of me that says, “Ha? Eh bakit kapag ako ang magdadala sayo sa game, hindi ka ganyan ka excited? Ha?” Admittedly, when Dave told me about it, there was an irrational feeling of hurt, at first. Pagkatapos ng ilang paghinga, okay na ako uli. Naiimagine ko na kung gaano kasaya si Carlo pag nakasama niya si Linda. Masaya na din ako.

This incident also prepares me for the time when Frances, my little princess will seek her mother out. Mukhang I’ll be more bothered by that dahil mas matindi ang among mother-daughter relationship. I haven’t told her that her kuya has a scheduled weekend with their mom. I am sure she will throw a fit because for months, she has been aching to see Linda.

You know the feeling na naooffend ka pero wala ka naman talagang right na ma offend? Ganon ang pakiramdam. To avoid being painted as the traditional, wicked stepmother, I always turn back to this phrase, “I am supposed to be the calm within the storm.” Moreover, these thoughts shared by a stepmother herself helps:

 “Despite all the drama, chaos and conflict, the stepmom as the mother ship is steady and strong. All parties can go to her for peace and wisdom. She is a safe place, nonjudgmental, nonpartisan and definitely nonreactionary. She lets everyone be heard and does not react. “

— Be the Mothership, not the Mother, Stepmom Magazine

It takes a lot to do this but it is possible. Besides, madami na akong ibang drama sa buhay para dagdagan pa.

 

 

The Madrasta is also a Daughter

I asked the Lord for more time with my Dad and He granted my prayer. He almost died last year but the family was given a chance to be with him, to love him more and to tell him the things we always wanted him to know (which I knew he always also wanted to hear.)

In my head, I have a list of things I still want to do with him, a list of thoughts I want to tell him. While he cheated death, he is now bedridden, his whole left body side already paralyzed and more often than not, his thoughts are woozy. So, it’s not really easy to accomplish the list of things I want to do with him. I could have done them when he was still up and about but hey, life happens. We tend to ignore what is right before us sometimes. Yes, I may be limited in terms of activities with him now but I refuse to dwell on what can no longer be done. I choose to embrace the time and the chance to share more with him.

He can recognize me. He can hear me. There are a lot of times when he talks to me about the future, about his dreams for his grandchildren and about his past. In a very long time, he can now pray with me. His favorite prayer is Hail Holy Queen. There are certain things that make him happy and give him comfort like Andok’s siopao, Tipa’s hopia, Energen (which he calls Milo rice) and Milo itself. He likes being wiped with a wet towellete and being moved in his bed from time to time. I cannot imagine life being confined to a hospital bed ’til God-knows-when so I understand, how these little comforts bring hope and faith to him.

Today, my husband Dave and I went to Bambang, Manila. It is known to be the mecca of medical supplies in the metro. Adult diapers, hospital beds, wheelchairs, non-surgical gloves,hospital equipment,  caregiving supplies — you name it, they have it.

My mission was to finally buy an egg mattress. It looks like this…

This is said to bring comfort to a bedridden patient as it helps circulate blood, promotes joint support and provides even and all-around support. It is inexpensive as prices range from Php 800.00 – 1100.00. In Bambang, I was acquainted with this kind of mattress which is known to help care for bedridden patients:

This is called an air mattress, a buoyant inflatable mattress. Compared to the regular egg crate mattress, this is pressurized by a machine, designed to run for 24 hours with the air being distributed. Its alternating air pressure provides for more movement for the patient. Each unit may cost around Php 5,000.00 (depending on the brand) which comes with a free repair kit should the inflatable bed be pricked or something. It comes with a 6 month warranty, but only for the machine. I was pretty excited by this though I postponed considering it an option. I wanted to see how my Dad will first react to a regular egg mattress. It’s a good idea to consult our doctor about equipments like this too.

So, I ended up buying this yellow mattress, along with a few supplies — diapers, non-surgical gloves, cleaning wipes and a nebulizer.

I am hoping the bright, sunny color helps.

Bambang is really a good place to visit if you are in need of caregiving supplies. Always canvass before purchasing. There’s always a best price and a lot of options. Do your canvass in a block or two. You can find the Bambang, Manila map here.

I have never known about stuff like this until my father’s year round hospital bouts. Now, I know. I am familiar with certain medications, the most affordable prices in medical supply shops and drugstores and procedures in hospitals and relating with doctors too. It’s not a fun experience but it squeezes your innermost strength to take it all in just when you think you have no more to give. Then, you learn to be more grateful about living, about loving.

Tomorrow, I go home to spend time my father with the egg mattress as my present! I hope it adds to the little comforts that he has now.

 

Madrasta Annoyed: Questions You Shouldn’t Ask A Stepdaughter

Last week, I welcomed my stepdaughter Frances back to my arms as she came from a two week vacay in Cebu. It was her was first vacation trip alone with a friend. Her Dad had allowed her because she was invited by one of our very good family friends. She’s friends with their daughter too so it was easy to decide. I thought that it was a good time for her to go because she can practice traveling on her own. I can see her being a globe trotter someday!

When I saw her emerge from the airport exit with her trolley at hand, my heart had a big smile. What a wonderful homecoming until she asked me,”Mom, is it okay if Tita Glenda (our friend) asked me about Mommy (her biological mom)?” I took a pause. “What did she ask?,” I said. She hesitated but said, “She asked where mommy was, how many siblings do I have and who does mommy live with now.” I felt my shoulders slump, “…and what did you say?” Apparently, she told our friend her whole story, even if only knew bits and pieces of the story. I could tell she was bothered.

In my mind. I went, Why did you have to ask Frances those questions!??! If you were interested, you should have asked me! Or her dad! Why are you interested? Out of curiosity? I’m unsure if it’s not out of concern. You’re a mom too. You were supposed to know better that to ask those delicate questions to a 12-year old adolescent who is trying her best to believe that things are really normal with the family she is growing up with! I didn’t expect this from you! 

But instead, I told Frances, “It was not right for Tita Glenda to ask you those questions. Next time, if you feel that you’re not comfortable answering questions like that, tell them I’m sorry but I don’t think I can answer your questions now. You are not obliged to explain yourself to anybody, Frances.You only share parts of yourself when you feel you really want to.” And then I saw her cry a little.

That broke my heart and my mind again went How could you ask her? In front of your daughter even? That’s so irresponsible and insensitive of you, Glenda!I didn’t expect this. I could imagine when she asked Frances, “How many siblings do you have?” There might have been a tug of war in my daughter’s head, counting one by one her siblings with her mom and with her dad. Then again, maybe it’s just me.

True, I really did not anticipate this. I entrusted my daughter to her. And she asked those kind of questions suddenly? A part of me can’t help but think it’s all for the juicy-ness of it. When I allowed Frances to be with them for a few weeks, I didn’t think there’d be any of this. Before she left, I gave her reminders about her laundry, her money, her eating habits, her share of household chores. Never did this possibility cross my mind. I used to be careful about this but things are getting sort of ‘normal’ for my blended family that I forgot. Then, I realize that Frances and the other children will have more of this as they grow. I don’t know yet how to deal with it but I’ll be finding ways on how to help in making things easier for them, for sure.

 

Today’s Version of “Sweet Dreams” Romance Novels

Do you remember how you used to curl up in your room with a high school romance novel in hand? Do you remember how after finishing a love story in one sitting, you close the book with that giddy, ‘kilig’ feeling and a winsome smile on your face? Do you remember these?

How Sweet Dreams inspired our high school imagination!

Here’s missing Jessica and Elizabeth of the Sweet Valley High series…do you remember your favorite?

Don’t you miss these high school reads?

In high school, we excitedly traded novels with our classmates, wanting to read every single title of the series. We imagined how the hero is all dashing and handsome according to our “type.” We had our favorite titles.

My daughter is not much of a reader but lately, I notice how she would spend hours reading these…

Are these the “Sweet Dreams” of today’s generation?

I scanned through the books and found that it was indeed today’s version of yesterday’s high school romance novels. She is now in the phase of being introduced to the world of romance. I remember learning a lot about love and heartbreak through these stories. I know that Frances is about to experience the same.

Here are a few fast facts on today’s romance novels that your might find your daughter reading:

These books are called ‘Pop Fiction’ books. The more popular carrier of these is Summit Media. A lot of the stories are made popular by Wattpad, a social platform where people share stories. Some titles were first known and made popular in this platform. Publishers like Summit Media has brought it to paperback. The major difference today is technology. Where as before, we waited for stocks straight from the US to hit National Bookstore or Goodwill Bookstore, romance novels are so accessible today for our daughters.

The book covers display Japanese anime-themed characters. This does not appeal to me but it seems to be a hit with today’s generation. My daughter even buys Manga illustration books in her attempt to draw these anime-inspired heroines.

These titles are available online and traditional bookstores. Paperback copies are priced from Php 175.00 – Php 250.00 while online editions are priced higher. For instance a title at Amazon fetches at $15.00. Some titles used to be free in story sharing sites but has been copyrighted since it signaled marketability thus its price tag.

Title authors come from all walks of life. I found out that some titles were written by unknown, young novelists. That really impressed me. Before, we knew of the names Francine Pascal (of Sweet Valley High) or Janet Quinn Harkin (of Sweet Dreams). Today, there are a lot of authors given that much-needed break.

Because authors are Filipinos, the books are a mix of English and Filipino language. I was surprised at this because I was used to reading books using straight English but I saw the importance of incorporating the Filipino language. It makes the experience more real.

Titles are potentially transformed into pop movies. Think, “Diary ng Panget, The Movie.” (Frances and I saw this together. I’ll soon write about it.) These full-length commercial films are top-billed by today’s mainstream pop icons. Think Daniel Padilla and Kathryn Bernardo.

My princess is now growing her collection. I appreciate that she now reads voraciously, even if these books are easy reads. It helps in my attempt to inspire her appreciation for reading. I was hoping she would read more “relevant” reading materials but this may be the start. If during her childhood, she didn’t get there. She might just appreciate reading this time. My homework is now to read at least one pop fiction book. I have a feeling reading one will help me know my daughter better. Also, I need to satisfy my curiosity…to what extent are the kissing scenes go? What is the context of today’s high school love stories? I’ll make sure to share it here, as soon as I find out.

10 Brutal Truths About Being a Stepmom by Suburban Turmoil

It’s not easy finding good reads to step mothering like it is easy to find a lot of beautiful mommy blogs but I found a great read for step moms — so honest and real! I’m sharing the Suburban Turmoil’s “10 Brutal Truths About Being A Stepmom.”

It’s Her Birthday!

It’s my stepdaughter Frances’ birthday again! I was touched when a day before her birthday, she said, “Ma, 10 years na tayo magkasama!” I smiled at her and realized quickly that Yeah, she’s been under my care for 10 years now.

Every year, I want to make her birthday special and memorable in little ways, especially when I’m the only one around for her as her dad is away for work. Years back, I remember giving her a spa party. Last year, I had yellow flowers delivered to her in school. I did this before the boys beat me to it. I wanted that her first bunch of roses will come from her dad and her brothers.

This year, she turns thirteen. She requested me to go to a Divisoria spree with her and so I blocked a day off the week to do just that. Her little brother, Thirdy and I spent some time with her for small, intimate meals too at her favorite cafe and restaurant.

All in all, it was a birthday well spent.

Since I was her stepmom at her tender age of two, I was always the primary person to be there for her birthday. This year, I noticed that something was different. She clutched her cellphone more often and anticipated who would remember her birthday.

This year, her mom Linda didn’t call to greet her. It was as if she forgot but I was thinking, how could she forget? But then of course, it is possible. I saw how Frances was affected. She tried not to show me but I knew her well. She was spending time looking for connections to her mom’s family via Facebook but she could not find one. I was quite sad for her and bothered that I could not complete her happiness during her special day. When her dad called, I related the little situation and he just said, “Hindi natin maibibigay yan. Wala sa kamay natin ‘yan. What’s important is that we love her the way we know how to love her.” And I guess he’s right. I told Frances, “Focus on the people who remembered you today. Your brother woke up a little earlier than usual (which is a major milestone for him) just to make sure he gives you his gift. Your friend wrote on a greeting card and tucked it into our doorstep which I think is really sweet.”  I saw her lighten up a little.

It’s now a day after her birthday. Though I know she is too grateful for her celebration, I could see her waiting and hoping still.

A Stepmom Magazine Article

Be the mother Ship, Not the Mother by Lisa Bagshaw